The only one...

"You are so strong throughout this journey." That statement is one I hear so often from friends, but it is miles away from the truth. There is a reason it takes me several weeks to months to write about a particular event. During those weeks/months after is a time of weakness, doubt, and anger...then comes the healing process. It's during those weeks I learn to live again, to be hopeful again, and it's during that time I regain my strength through God's reoccurring grace. To say I have 100% completely trusted Jesus through all of this is a lie. There are many times I have needed to be reminded of God's sweet faithfulness. There have been many times I want to say to him, "Jesus, really? Why? I understand you're doing Your thing, but come on!" I'm sure many of you have also felt this way during a season of trial. It just so happens that my "season" has lasted nearly three years now (which I know pales in comparison to some infertility journeys).

Today I am going to share with you my raw emotions. I'm writing this blog about five hours after my doctor's visit this morning, and I'm going to try and place you in my shoes as best as possible. I want people to understand that strength can be weakened, and it doesn't mean you have lost your faith- it just means that you need to be reminded of His faithfulness for you. I am so thankful for God placing people in my life that have done just that for me. Fore when my strength is weakened I find it through the encouragement of those around me... their words, their love, and their actions. This week Steven and I have had an abundance of prayers and love poured over us, and there will never be enough words to describe our gratitude. Thank you all so much. 

For those of you that do not know much about IVF... numbers mean a lot. The whole point of IVF is to "hopefully" only go through egg retrieval one time (this is the procedure that cost thousands and thousands of dollars & not to mention the agony it puts your body through...that's why you only want to go through it once). In an ideal IVF cycle one could retrieve 20 eggs, out of those 20 lets say you have 10 to fertilize, out of those 10 lets say you have 6 make it to the freezing stage. That is good. That means that a couple could implant two embryos on the first try. If that cycle didn't work they could implant two more later on, and so on... so the higher the number the higher your chances. 

This morning we found out that only one out of our four embryos made it to freezing. ONLY ONE. The embryologist said that he would grade our one remaining embryo as "fair" and not an "A+" meaning that if our little guy makes it through the thawing process AND the first few weeks of pregnancy then he or she will simply be a miracle. Most people reading this right now are saying, "Thank you Jesus for one. Thank you." If I am being completely honest with you that was not my first response. It did come later but after friends reminded me of Jesus' faithfulness, but sadly it was not my first thought. Steven is one of the most positive and hopeful people I know (especially throughout this journey). Today he kept telling me, "don't be down- we have one. One is all it takes." However, I was finding it very difficult to look at it from the same perspective. For those of you that know me well know that I am what I like to call a "worst case scenario" person. I am a numbers kind of girl. I like to know the chances of success vs. the chances of failure. I like to be prepared for the worst just in case. Throughout this process I have had to be that way- I have told myself so many times, "Tess, do not get your hopes up. Be prepared." I have tried to do just that so there are times when it's hard to be so hopeful. I was devastated this morning, and all I could think about was, "what are the odds?" According to a sheet of paper, facts on spreadsheet, and numbers the "odds" are not really in our favor. It was hard for me to look past that and be reminded that Jesus is the ONLY ONE that can decide those odds. They are not decided by a bunch facts on a spreadsheet. Jesus is the ONLY ONE who saved our one embryo. He did that. Jesus is the ONLY ONE who can make our one little embryo into a miracle... not an embryologist, not another doctor, but Jesus is the ONLY ONE. 

Our friend, Rick Deerman, shared this with me through a text today, and I keep repeating over and over again. "Jesus is never late nor will He ever be manipulated." Those words are perfect and could not be more true. Those words are what I needed to hear today. Other friends texted me today with amazing words of encouragement, scriptures that have bedded themselves in my heart, and pure love and thoughtfulness.... and it was all exactly what I needed to hear today. You see... there are times in what may be your season of trial that you yourself will not be able to find that hope.... but that is where God's people come into play. As my sister, Meg, told me... "Jesus is STILL in the business of making miracles." I truly believe that, and on my way home I kept thinking about that word. Miracle. So I decided to look up some miracles of Jesus to be reminded of His grace. I want to share those with you in hopes that it reminds you (if you are facing a season of trial) that you are not alone nor forgotten. Jesus is STILL in the business of making miracles... He is never late nor can he ever be manipulated. He is the same and ONLY ONE that can heal the sick, make the blind to see, raise people from the dead, calm the storms, and provide a way when there was none. 
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¹ And it came to pass the day after, that he went into a city called Nain; and many of his disciples went with him, and much people. ¹² Now when he came nigh to the gate of the city, behold, there was a dead man carried out, the only son of his mother, and she was a widow: and much people of the city was with her. ¹³ And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, weep not. ¹⁴ And he came and touched the bier: and they that bare him stood still. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise. ¹⁵ And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak. And he delivered him to his mother. ¹⁶ And there came a fear on all: and they glorified God, saying, that a great prophet is risen up among us; and, That God hath visited his people. ¹⁷ And this rumor of him went forth throughout all Judaea, and throughout the entire region round about.¹⁸ And the disciples of John shewed him of all these things.” Luke 11-18

²³ Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁴ Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.²⁵ The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” ²⁶ He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. ²⁷ The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” Matthew 8:23-27

²⁷ As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!” ²⁸ When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” “Yes, Lord,” they replied. ²⁹ Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith let it be done to you”;³⁰ and their sight was restored. Jesus warned them sternly, “See that no one knows about this.” ³¹ But they went out and spread the news about him all over that region. Matthew 9:27-31

¹⁵ As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.” ¹⁶ Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”¹⁷ “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.¹⁸ “Bring them here to me,” he said. ¹⁹ And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. ²⁰ They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. ²¹ The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children. Matthew 15:32-39

³⁸ Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹ “Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” ⁴⁰ Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” ⁴¹ So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴² I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” ⁴³ When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” ⁴⁴ The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:38-44

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In the coming months please specifically pray for healing. My body desperately needs to heal in order to even attempt implantation. This could take several weeks to months. Please pray for Steven and I to keep trusting Jesus and being reminded of His love and grace. Pray for our one fighter. I like to imagine him (I'm calling it a "him" just because I cannot keep calling it an "it") as the little kid that the coach decides to pinch hit in the last inning. You know... the one with the odds against him. I like to imagine him as the hero who hits the grand slam to bring it all home. I know it's crazy... but I already believe in him and love him. I believe he can make it. I believe he can beat the odds. Please believe with me.