IVF & Adoption

This blog entry has been by far the hardest to write for some reason. I have typed, deleted, restarted, and thrown away over and over again. I know it has been a while since my last blog entry, and there is a reason for that. I haven't been able to find the words nor have I had the heart to truly write what I want to say. 

When Steven and I started this journey we never really believed it would be such a long journey. I think both us believed that IUI (at least one out of the five) would work, and we would be holding our precious baby right now. From the beginning we had mixed emotions on IVF (In vitro fertilization). IVF is the last and final step in the infertility process for us. I say mixed emotions, but there was really only one thing that kept coming up as the topic of conversation. Money. So much money. Questions that we kept asking ourselves were 1) Can we afford it? 2) All of this money and we are not guaranteed a baby so should we adopt instead? 3) Do we want to put my body through this (my oldest sister only has half of an ovary now due to the complications of IVF)? I watched the heartbreak that she & her husband went through after finding out it didn't work... either time. The list of questions go on and on, but those are just a few. Steven and I always just kept saying that we would face that bridge when we had to... well now that bridge has come. 

IVF. This is it. This is the BIG one. For Steven and I... no amount of money is ever going to stop us from trying to bring our baby into this world. I look at my nieces and nephews and say to myself, "they are worth every single penny." We saved...and saved. And you gave. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We decided that we would not be doing implantation immediately after egg retrieval meaning my embryos would need to be frozen until my body healed (because I'm more likely to hyper stimulate as I did last time) so we began the last step! I started double the injections I've become accustomed to. My ovaries blew up- containing 12-14 large follicles on each side. My ovaries in size were measuring around 8cm (normal is 2cm). I developed what they call "kissing ovaries" which is where my ovaries were so enlarged that they were touching. My egg retrieval was the day after Mother's Day (bittersweet), and they were able to retrieve 24 eggs. This is an amazing number. During the IVF process you always want to be able to start with a high number because only a certain amount will fertilize then only a certain amount will mature from those. So each day your count goes down drastically (unless you are a freak of nature and you have awesome/amazing miracle eggs-which in that case I do not like you). Well we received not so great news the day after. Only four eggs had fertilized. This was a total shock. We knew the number would go down, but we never imagined it would go down that much. When the embryologist called me I literally just broke down. I cried and cried, and my heart was broken. He was honest with me and told me that it did not look good and for me to not get my hopes up. Right now we are in the waiting zone- our four embryos have to make it to day 6 in order to be frozen for implantation. Today is day 3. We are asking that you pray more than you've ever prayed for us that these four embryos survive to day 6. We pray that they are fighters... 4 out of 24... they have to be fighters right? Please pray that these embryos hang in there, and they make it. As for me... I have not been the same physically or emotionally. My body is broken right now- sore and tired. I have pretty much been on bed rest the entire week only moving to shower, to and from the bed and couch. Steven has been an amazing nurse (he better be since he did graduate in nursing). My emotions are up and down. There are moments I just start crying hysterically. There are moments I can bare to talk about it, and there are moments that I cannot say a word. I figured today might be a good day for writing... 

Since the beginning of our journey we have heard people say things like, "Adoption is easy- why don't you just adopt?" or things like, "There are so many babies out there that need homes- adoption might be the better route for you" and sometimes we hear things like, "Maybe this is God's way of telling you that He wants you to adopt." First of all, adoption is NOT easy. It can be a very long process and from day one Steven and I never wanted adoption to be our "last" resort. We did not want to be those parents that said, "well this didn't work for us so lets just adopt instead." 

There is SO much more to it than that one single thought. We want adoption to be apart of us, apart of who we are as a Mom and Dad, and we want a yearning heart's cry for adoption. Some of you that are closest to us know that Steven and I have a heart for adoption. Does that mean that we are giving up on our infertility journey? No it does not. Please hear me loud and clear when I say that Steven Kline and I will bring home a baby from overseas one day. It may not be tomorrow or even in the next couple of years, but we will bring home a baby from the other side of the world one day. And that baby will be loved and cherished as if he/she was created within me. I'll go ahead and answer the question that some of you are asking right now... "Why overseas?" That is just our preference- while some babies are waiting for families here in the US thousands are waiting elsewhere. It wasn't until Steven started traveling so much that "overseas" was even considered. I remember he came home from a tour where one of the stops was in Africa, and his exact words were... "Tess, you can take the worst orphanage & foster care here in the states, and it would be 100 times better than what those children have over there." 

The adoption agency that we are working with has a "no pregnancy policy." What this means is that you cannot be pregnant nor get pregnant while in the process of adopting. When I first heard this I was devastated because no matter the outcome of our journey we will adopt one day. Once learning more about why this policy is in place I completely understood. So many families who have been trying for so long such as Steven and I sign up for adoption (because of the "last" resort) then we they get their miracle they forget about adoption. They forget about that child that they were giving hope to. I cannot imagine that heartbreak. I can only pray that a family that had a yearning heart's cry for adoption gave that same very child a home. 

Jesus adopted us into His family. Without that motion we would not have eternal life in Heaven. He adopted us without question. He loves us without question. That is the single most beautiful act of love to ever be seen. Our longing to adopt a child overseas is just as Jesus' longing to adopt one of us into His kingdom. Imagine that for one minute and how beautiful that truly is. I leave you with some of my favorite bible verses of all time, and my favorite adoption video. Crazy to think this could be Steven and I some time in the future. 

And whoever welcomes one such child in My name welcomes Me. Matthew 18:5

Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

Click below:

An adoption story: Africa