Though you ruin me...

...but first listen. Please listen to every word. Because I pray the words here impact your heart the way they have mine in our most darkest days. Click on the link below before reading.


Shane + Shane. Though You Slay Me

Some people cope by talking. Some do by not. I write, and it helps me.

I never wanted to write this blog. But I feel like if I don't then it'll mean it didn't happen... it'll mean she didn't exist. But she did. And she mattered. She was Livie's little sister.

Beginning in January we decided it was time to start trying again... trying for a sibling for Livie June. We had six remaining frozen embryos so we started the process all over again... medications, daily injections, countless blood draws, etc. We did a single embryo transfer in February; however, my HCG levels were low from the start. We remained hopeful, but at our first ultrasound we discovered that our little embryo just wasn't strong enough to hang in there. We miscarried at just 7 weeks.

We waited a little while, but we decided to keep moving forward. Again... we started medications, daily injections, blood draws, etc... as if we never really stopped. We did a single embryo transfer on May 14th (just eight days after Livie June's transfer two years earlier). It was positive. This time my HCG levels sky rocketed which meant our little embryo was quickly turning into one amazing little heartbeat. I stayed on daily injections until we were released from our fertility specialist at 10 weeks. I was sick from day one with this little one, and our summer has been long and hard. At the end of the day I had a miracle growing inside me, and if it meant being sick all over again to have her back then I would do it ten times over.

At 11 weeks I started spotting. We rushed to our specialist where we saw our little baby just as healthy as can be. The doctor checked everything, and all was fine. He explained that bleeding during this stage can be completely normal- there was nothing to suggest otherwise. We met with our OB at 12 weeks. I was still bleeding, but again our baby was healthy. At 13 weeks we rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night with severe bleeding; yet again our baby was still kicking away. We watched for several minutes as our little one showed out on ultrasound turning somersaults over and over again. We watched her wave at us, open and close her mouth, and we watched her hiccup time and time again. We became used to seeing our baby more than most do at this early stage because of these scary visits. We became more and more attached. The doctors we becoming more concerned with the bleeding; yet, they still could not determine the cause. They explained to us that they may never know the cause, but we continued to pray for answers. We saw a high risk doctor at 13 weeks, and he determined my bleeding was most likely due to partial placenta previa. This is common, and it usually always corrects itself the more the baby grows. This gave us hope. It allowed us to breathe a bit.

The next few days my bleeding actually started to lighten. I felt good. Sick, but good. I finally felt as if we were heading in a positive direction.

On a Sunday night just shy of 14 weeks I starting having contractions. I knew something was wrong, and Steven rushed me to the hospital. I was in unimaginable pain, and my bleeding was uncontrollable. The next couple of hours were painful, heartbreaking, and overall our worst nightmare coming true. I'm not quite sure when our baby went into the arms of Jesus, but I know for her that it was a glorious moment. We were asked if we wanted to see her, but we couldn't. We wanted to remember her just as we saw her bouncing away on that ultrasound a few days before.

The loss of a baby is cruel. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. We had several nurses and doctors come in afterwards to talk with us. It wasn't until one doctor was charting our history that we realized that this was our fifth pregnancy. Five. Four losses. And one miracle little girl at home. Tears just filled our eyes. The realization began to settle, and I wanted to wake up from our nightmare.

I want to take a minute to recognize the nurse that took care of us while we were there. I don't remember her name. Honestly, I can't tell you if I could pick her face out of a line up. But I can tell you that her hands were dark. She had tattoos up her arms. And I knew she was a Mom. I know this because I watched her put an IV in me as gentle as she could. She placed her hand on my arm countless times as if to say that she was so sorry. And when she picked up our baby she wrapped her so gently and held her as if she were breakable. I know that nurse will probably never read this, but I want to say thank you. Thank you for loving our baby and taking care of her. As we rolled away in the wheelchair that night she placed her hand in mine and said, "my prayers are with you." I couldn't look up, but I replied with "thank you."

Those of you who know me well know that I already had Livie's "big sister" list started down to the outfits I wanted her to wear for pictures and at the hospital. You know that I've created that "big sister" board on pinterest. You know that I was already beginning the list of "big sister items for the hospital." That's just me... and more than anything Steven and I were so excited about Livie June becoming a big sister. We know that one day whether it be a little embryo or through adoption that Livie June is going to be an amazing big sister. In the weeks and months ahead we ask that you pray for us. Our hearts are broken, and I miss the baby that was growing inside of me. I miss hearing her heartbeat on a daily basis with our home monitor. I miss her...without ever having held her. And selfishly I wish she was here with me on this earth. In saying all of that we remain grateful and thankful for our Livie June. She is just the ball of sass that we need right now. She has made us laugh at just the right moments lately. We pray that she knows that she will always be enough (even if that means letting her watch "Winnie the Pooh's Heffalump" four times a day).

We would like to thank our family and friends for your kind words, texts, phone calls, flowers, groceries, meals, and more! We could not have gotten through without each and every one of you. A special thank you to our neighbors for coming over to stay with Livie countless times in the middle of the night and early mornings as we rushed to the hospital (even if it meant sleeping on our couch). Thank you for loving us as your own. Thank you for taking time to be our family. We love you. Most of all we appreciate all of your prayers.

Infertility is always apart of you, and it never leaves you. It's painful and cruel. We are fortunate and grateful that God gave us Livie June when He did. Not all are as fortunate. I have so many friends still praying for their miracle, and I promise those friends that I have never stopped praying for you. My heart cringes every time someone ask me, "when is baby number two coming?" or "when are we gonna have another?" as if it's just that easy since we had one. Some people just don't know any better, and that's exactly why my response is always "we'll see". It's a hard question to answer, and I wish I had the answers. But there is only one who knows that answer. We put our trust in Jesus. We pray that God will provide us with another miracle, but if not.... He is STILL good. Pain and loss does not make it easy to say those words. But every single day is a new day, and we remain faithful. For friends who are sharing this loss with me be encouraged by Jesus. Pour yourself into his word even when it's a struggle.

Just as John Piper preaches in the song by Shane + Shane...

"Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.... Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for." -John Piper 

"Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need"

To read more by John Piper click here.

We will see you soon our sweet girl.... and we cannot wait to hold you in our arms. Mommy, Daddy, and big sister Livie June love you to the moon and back.