What would have been her first...

Thinking of her.

It has been quite some time since I’ve put words to paper (or in this case typed them). Writing has always been an outlet for me... it allows me to write what my heart feels and captures. And every now and again maybe it will touch the heart of another and help them. 

Every year around this time I think of her. I think of them. I think of what our life might look like had our embryos lived, had those heartbeats never stopped, and had we not have to give them and our little girl back to Jesus so soon. Our little girl was the one who made it the furthest to know she was a girl. The others we never knew, but I can see and hear their heartbeats like it were yesterday. This week was her due date, and this year would’ve been her first birthday. So in memory of our baby girl I would like to write in hopes that it might help heal a few hearts out there. 

I often wonder what she’d look like (I’m sure like her Daddy just as these other two have proven). I wonder what it’d be like to have more pink and frills in this home (Daddy might have been more crazy). And I often wonder what she’d be like with her sister Livie June. Would they play together? Would they fight like cats & dogs? Would they bicker then love each other unconditionally the way sisters do? I’m sure the answer would be all of the above. 

But just as quickly as those thoughts enter my mind they also leave.... because had we not given her back to Jesus so soon then I wouldn’t be holding our little miracle Henry either. He truly is a miracle. Just as Livie June is. Just as our little girl was. Just as all babies are. He has brought so much love to our family. More than I’d ever imagined. He’s also brought a lot of sleepless nights, but we’ll save that for another blog. Haha! 

The loss of a miscarriage never leaves you. It becomes apart of you. You carry it with you always. And years from now I will still think of her...them... and I’ll wonder what if. I labored & delivered our little girl (I blogged about that night here), and it will be a night that will forever be etched in the depths of my soul. I can remember every single detail like it was yesterday, and I’m thankful for that because it means I can remember her. 

I’m writing now because I have recently had so many friends who have joined this “family” of loss. And I want them to know that they’ll never be alone. 

This one is for you my sweet friends...

You will never be the same. You will never look at a pregnancy test the same. You will never hear nor see a heartbeat the same. You will worry (and that is okay). You will be hesitant. You will question yourself time and time again (it is not your fault). You will cry... like on your hands & knees ugly cry when you least expect it. You’ll find yourself in awe of a baby you’ve never met at the grocery store check out line (and you’ll secretly want to scoop them up and put them in your buggy- okay maybe that was just me...anyway...). You’ll quietly say to yourself, “mine would’ve been about that age.” Your marriage will be tested. Steven & I both had to give our babies back to Jesus; however, there were times that (I) was the only one who lost them (physically). THAT is a hard one friends... and if you haven’t been there then you’ll never understand that feeling of helplessness and loneliness. 

Then one day... you’ll feel like you can finally breathe again. It’s almost as if God says, “see... I told you that I’d carry you through this to the other side” and my how He truly does. I tell my “fertility sisters” all the time do NOT give up! Persistence always wins whether it be through the miracle of a baby or through the miracle of adoption. God is not nor will He ever be surprised by anything you are facing or going through. He knew from the moment He created you that you would experience this journey of loss and love. Hold tight to His promises, and trust Him through this season of challenge. 

For my friends who are trying to comfort those along this journey. Pray for them. Send them a meal. Hug them- and truly hug them because in all reality you never know when they might just collapse in your arms and pour their heart out. LISTEN. They will talk when they’re ready. During the meantime, try not to start a conversation about how your kids are little craps that drive you completely over the wall. For a sister going through this journey- trust me. In her mind she’s thinking, “I’d take your little craps any day.” Side note:: now that I have one of those spirit-filled, sassy, little hellions I remind myself of that on a daily basis (and I thank God for her every single day). All in all just love them. Be there for them. And most of all pray for them. 

For my friends hurting right now, hang in there. I wish I could explain the glory that is waiting... it’s so beautiful (and exhausting). I’ve seen it through the birth of a child. I’ve seen it through the miracle of adoption through sweet friends. God is so so good! Just hang in there... and do not give up. You are not alone. There’s a whole family of us out there just wrapping our arms around you.