Time. Direction. Prayer.

May 29th: Our fourth round of possible IUI fertilization came to an end today with negative news. Today was a difficult day...

For the first time I had great follicle growth just after 5 gonal-f injections (it usually takes at least 10-12 to get me to grow one "ready" follicle). This round I had three "ready" follicles after 5 injections! This was very good news. Steven was home which meant no more frozen sperm- another good thing in our favor. After two weeks it was time for the IUI procedure! The doctor injected 45 million sperm (Steven was so proud...remember 20 million is normal). This particular procedure was pretty painful as the doctor had a difficult time finding my cervix. I remember laying there thinking, "this pain will mean nothing if we receive exciting baby news at the end of this..it'll all be worth it..." This was Steven's first time sitting in, and I think it even made him a little nervous as he watched tears form in my eyes from the pain and discomfort. But he did what he does best... he made me smile and kissed my forehead as I laid there for my "required" 15 minutes. 

 Ovaries and follicles looking great!

Day of our IUI

Day of IUI: Our "we are so excited" and "we might have made a baby" pic :) 

This round was different. For the first time I truly thought and felt like I was pregnant. All the numbers matched up, great follicle growth, amazing sperm count, Steven was home... everything felt right. As I've mentioned before in earlier blogs it is very hard to describe your feelings through this process. There are times my emotions are so up & down that I feel like I am going completely insane. Then there are moments when all is right in my world. There are moments and feelings that will make you truly believe there's a baby growing inside of you. I had enlarged ovaries after this IUI procedure which made me feel (and look) about 15 lbs heavier than I really am... or at least I sure felt that way. "Google' had convinced me that I was having triplets (note to self: stay away from Google). I retained a lot of fluid and my feet would swell... I was uncomfortable. I guess that's why I felt like something was different. We found out that Steven would be leaving to go on a mission overseas the day I was finding out (of course the Air Force always works around our schedule). So I took a home pregnancy test a day early- negative. I knew that it could still be positive as it was still very early which is why I take a blood test for better results... but deep in my heart I already knew that it was negative. The next morning I hugged Steven tight, and I asked him to pray for us before we both left. He prayed that God had worked a miracle. He prayed for patience no matter the outcome. He prayed that if Jesus decided to give us this miracle that we would raise that baby up to know His word and His love. He prayed. 

Mid morning I received the call from my doctor, and I can always tell what the answer is by the tone of her voice before she even tells me the results. I knew. Those phone calls are always a bit of a blur because until the actual phone call you seem to hold out just a bit of hope that it could still be positive. Tears ran down my face as I listened. She continued to tell me that this 4th round was so ideal that she truly felt that IUI should have worked (especially with such great odds). She told me that she felt there is a bigger issue at stake now that IUI will not fix. She recommended that we start talking about In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). While IUI has a 20% pregnancy success rate, IVF has a 65% success rate. This is a much stronger and complicated process (the "cost facts of IVF" blog will be coming later). I hung up the phone... my heart was completely broken. I was able to call Steven before he took off to tell him the "official" upsetting news. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Both of our hearts were broken...yet faith has remained, and it will only continue to remain in Jesus.  

My emotions are all over the place. When you hear nothing but negative results you start to ask yourself questions.... "Am I supposed to be a Mom? What if we are not meant to have a baby? Maybe I wouldn't be a good mother?" These are just a few of the hundreds emotions/feelings/questions that run through my mind. Deep down I know I would be a good mother, and deep down I know that one day Steven and I will have a baby whether he/she be of our own or a precious baby that finds us instead. However, the emotions/doubts are still there. Every day I have to remind myself that God is good, and He does have a point to all of this. What that point is I have no clue, but I trust Him always (sometimes I wish the "point" were just a little clearer). 

Steven and I have decided to take a break from all fertility treatments over the summer. He will be in Oklahoma for training most of the summer, and I will be there in OK visiting and back home in Alabama for most of the time. My body needs a break from all the poking and prodding. We are taking this time to pray for our path in our journey of infertility. We are not giving up, and we never will. We are asking that you continue to pray for us throughout this journey. Pray that we have a clear decision as to what our next step should be. Pray that Jesus will continue to show His love and grace upon us. Pray that this time of waiting will be used for finding peace and a sense of clarity. 

Blogs will still be posted (probably more than ever). I'm sure there will be many emotions, decisions, and prayers along the way. I will keep you posted with our thoughts and prayers. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Once again, we have been covered in love from friends, family, and people we don't even know! Our hearts are so full because of you all. Thank you for showing us your love. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. We are so thankful. We are so blessed, and we are so loved. We love you all. Our God is so good.

For those at our same step in this journey: do not give up. There IS a reason. There IS a point. It is so hard mentally, emotionally, and physically, but one day the love of Jesus will be seen in a way we've never seen it before... in the heart of a child. Steven and I truly believe that. We pray that you do too. Lean on friends and family. Am I saying you have to tell the world what you are going through? Absolutely not; however, you need close friends and family by your side to lean on. Everyone is different when expressing their thoughts, trials, and triumphs. Mine is writing it all down in hopes to be a voice for those that cannot. Do not give up... pray always, and love the Lord with all your heart. He will provide. He will make a way.