...a different perspective...the hubby's thoughts.

So Tess has been asking me to write an entry for our blog in order to give everyone a different perspective.  I have been hesitant to do so for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I am no writer as I am sure you all will see from the upcoming numerous grammar and punctuation errors.  Secondly, I tend to think that no one would really care about the “other side of the story” because honestly I’m really only involved in one certain step of the actual fertility process (you can figure out which part that is).  Then as I thought about it my role is much more than that.  Sure I’ve only had to go to one initial consultation appointment and then a couple of “donation” appointments, but that was the easy part.  Let’s be real… any guy can successfully complete those tasks.  Truth be told, Tess is the true hero of this story because she literally goes through everything.  She takes the medications, she does the injections, she does the numerous ultrasounds, she misses work so the appointments can go as planned, and she is the one making this entire process possible.  I am constantly in awe of her courage and determination.

So now let’s talk about my real role in all of this.  I often think that I have the easiest, yet hardest job when it comes to our journey through fertility.  Through all of the appointments, the ups, the downs, and the unknown I try my very best to be an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, and when needed a voice of reason.  If you know Tess you know that she is an emotional person.  She is very passionate when it comes to things she cares about.  I am the polar opposite.  While equally passionate about things I care about I am a professional emotion suppressor.  In fact, Tess has only seen me cry one time (our wedding day, and yes they were happy tears) and the only other time I plan on that happening will be when our children are born.  Other than that she is pretty much out of luck.  My natural tendency to suppress emotions can be a blessing and a curse.  It is a blessing because it makes it easier for me to listen to her feelings and try my very best to be a comforting voice of reason.  Unfortunately, my general lack of emotion also gives off the expression of apathy.  I fight this notion with Tess over many issues- not just infertility.  I cannot tell you how many times I have said, “Just because it looks like I don’t care doesn’t really mean that I don’t care.”  I think she is starting to accept the fact that emotions will never be worn on my sleeve. If she is looking for an emotional response she knows not to hold her breath, but she also knows that I truly do care more than emotions could ever convey.  She knows I am just as passionate about this entire process as she is, and she knows she has my full support throughout every procedure, every medication, and every aspect. 

From Day 1 I have tried to lighten the mood every time we go to the clinic.  I’ve been known to attempt to make balloon animals with latex gloves, crack incredibly inappropriate jokes in the waiting room where only Tess can hear me, and my all time favorite- interviewing Tess in the ultrasound room with the ultrasound probe.  It’s a good thing there are no security cameras in those rooms.  While I may embarrass her I make her laugh.  And if I can make her laugh throughout this process, well then I think I’ve done all right.  Seeing your wife cry is probably the worst feeling in the world.  The next worst feeling in the world is knowing that there is nothing you can do to change it.  So if bringing some simple comic relief in the middle of an uncertain doctors appointment is the best I can do then you can bet I’m going to do it.  When we started this process I expected to be giving her most of the shots because Tess never struck me as someone who would be down for stabbing a needle in her stomach.  Well on night 1 of the injections she ponied up and proclaimed that she was going to do it all by herself.  I said OK and watched her.  It was like slow motion.  Slowly but surely she stuck the needle in.  The next thing I know she looks up at me, gets weak in the knees, and starts yelling at me, “You do it! You do it!”  So I did.  Probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.  She, however, was not laughing.  That was the last time I gave her a shot though.  From then on she was determined to do it because she knew I wouldn’t always be there to do it.  And she was right.  I have missed many shots, many appointments, and I’m sure to miss many more.  But she carries on.  She remains dedicated, and I do my best to reassure her from wherever I am.  The nurses always look at me strange when I show up for a routine blood draw or ultrasound with her.  Most husbands only show up for the big appointments.  I just never know if I will make the next appointment so I do my best to go to all of the ones I can.  Even if its just a 5 minute touch and go for blood work. 

The hardest experience for me so far has been our first IUI attempt.  First of all, I had to miss the appointment due to the fact that I am deployed.  There is nothing quite like knowing that your attempting to make a baby when your 7,000 miles from each other.  Then it was even harder when we found out that it didn’t work.  I looked at my phone knowing that the text I was about to open would either let me know it was negative or be some horrible attempt by Tess of hiding a positive.  I said a prayer and opened it.  “It was negative.”  Well that was my answer.  No I didn’t break down and lose it or shake my angry fist at God.  I took a deep breath, said another prayer, and waited for her call.  I knew how hurt Tess was, and I knew that there was only so much I could do to help her.  At the same time I was heartbroken, and I know she saw that on my face when we Facetime’d (something I was trying to avoid) I really had a good feeling about that first attempt.  I have no idea why.  I just tried to be optimistic.  Unfortunately that wasn’t in God’s plan so we have started the process to try round number 2 of IUI (round 3 of fertility in general).  Patience is something that we are learning to be very good at.

So as I said earlier, I have the easiest and hardest job.  But even the hard part is not so bad when you have the most incredible wife any husband could ask for and the most faithful God that anyone can serve.  While at times it may seem like God’s plan doesn’t make any sense and we get frustrated, I always try to remember that God’s plan is the best plan, and it is up to us to wait for Him to reveal it to us.  Until he does reveal it, we will patiently and prayerfully wait.  I don’t know what the future holds for Tess and I and neither does she.  But I do know that my God knows what is going to happen and that’s good enough for me.  For those of you that have been praying for us, thank you!  Your prayers mean the world to us.  I pray for Tess every day, but knowing that she has so many others praying for her is incredible.  Side note- for any of you husbands out there who don’t pray for your wives daily, no matter what is going on in your lives, START.  I’m not going to lie and tell you that I have always done this, but since we have started this process I have, and it’s a difference maker not only in my life but in our marriage.  I won’t say that just because you pray for your wife your marriage will be all roses and butterflies, but it will bring you closer together.  If you hear what I’m saying and your response is “Well I’m not sure how to pray for my wife” you should get the book “The Power of a Praying Husband” by Stormie Omartian.   I’ve had this book for a while now, and it’s been doing nothing but collecting dust.  I brought it with me on this deployment and finally cracked it open recently (due to constant prompting by Tess) and it has already radically changed how I pray for Tess.  Even if you think you are awesome at praying for your wife, which you probably are, I would recommend the book anyways.  It’s a game changer.

In closing, please continue to pray for us.  You have no idea how much that means.  Pray for Tess to have no complications.  Pray for her to have strength.  Pray for me to be the support system she needs.  Pray for success.  But most importantly, pray for God’s will to be fulfilled through us, and pray that we answer His call in the most perfect way once He reveals His plan to us.  Until then, we will remain patient and faithful.

Steven