And if not, He is still good.

I have stared at this blank page for days. I have opened my laptop, closed it back shut, and opened it again. Nothing.

I've typed a sentence, erased it, typed it again, and erased it again.... Over and over. I cannot seem to find the words I need nor want to say. This will be one of the hardest blogs I have ever had to write, and I'm praying the words just seem to find their way to this blank space as I begin to type.

Christmas Eve is near. It is a time families gather to celebrate the birth of Christ, fellowship, and spread the love of Jesus. It is my favorite time of year. I love everything about Christmas... the joy, the decorations (redneck lights, fancy lights, the more the better), yards full of blow up things, Christmas movies, Christmas songs, and everything else!

This Christmas was particularly special for us though as Steven and I were going to surprise our families with the news that we were going to be a mommy and daddy. On Monday, November 16th (one day before our 3 year wedding anniversary) we did another single embryo transfer. We waited patiently for two weeks, and we prayed unfailingly. On Monday, November 30th, I received a phone call from my doctor about 4 hours after going in for my blood test.

The three words I've waited three years to hear... "You are pregnant!" My hcg levels were exactly where they needed to be at 1200+, and I was speechless. I cried happy and grateful tears. It was a moment of pure joy in my household as I hit my knees and cried out my thankfulness to Jesus. Steven was at work, and we had already promised we would wait until he got home to relay any news. So... I went to work getting things ready to surprise him.

Over two years ago I sent Steven a package on his second deployment overseas. His instructions were to not open it unless we received positive news. That was our very first IUI. Needless to say that package was never opened. It came home with Steven, and it has been sitting on top of a shelf in our closet ever since. Since then we've been through five failed IUIs, two IVF cycles, and two failed embryo transfers. BUT on that Monday when Steven got home from work that same package was sitting right there for him to open for the very first time.

He cried. I cried. We both held each other and cried. We took a video of this sacred moment to share with our friends and family, but now it will be a video that will forever remain only within mine and Steven's heart. Some moments of this journey are just too personal and sacred to share. I did snap a photo of this amazing and perfect moment. Steven is holding the two items that were included in his package.

We chose to tell no one from back home (no family at all) because we wanted to surprise them on Christmas.

**Let's take a little break and talk about sharing baby news... EVERYONE is different, but from our own experience (and learning from my sisters' experiences) we have always chosen to wait to tell people no matter the news. We (including my family) have experienced too much heartbreak and loss to turn a blind eye to the horrific reality of losing a child. If it were up to me I would not tell a soul I was pregnant until the day that baby was in my arms, but I think people would start to notice as some point. For Steven and I... We have always thought it was some what easier to not tell anyone than sharing amazing news then having to go back and tell them the sad news. I thank God for the couples that do not have to experience this pain and struggle. Some couples can spread baby news with friends & family and on Facebook at 4, 5, and 6 weeks without one worry in the world because they've never had to... Thank you Jesus for that. But that has never been us. Steven and I wonder what that would be like... To just be excited and not have a worry in the world about your pregnancy. We envy you.

The first trimester is crucial which is why we had decided long ago that we'd wait until our first trimester was over to share news. However, this time was different. Steven will be deploying at the beginning of January so the only way he would be able to join in on the excitement was if we told people early. We decided Christmas was it. We were nervous, but we were so so excited. We even had our plans down on how we were going to tell each of our families and our friends.

The following week I had more blood work to make sure my hcg levels were rising, and they were... Nearly at 8,000 then. Another test to confirm a healthy pregnancy. I was screaming with excitement on the inside, but I knew well enough that things could change at any moment.

The next week I was scheduled for my 6.5 week ultrasound. Thursday, December 10th, was the best day of my life and the worst day of my life. We went in for our first ultrasound with knots in our stomachs. I was terrified we wouldn't see a heartbeat... But within seconds... There it was. A perfect beating heartbeat. A perfect healthy baby growing inside of me. The doctor even said those words... Perfect... Healthy.

I keep reliving that moment in my mind. Steven, right beside me, holding my hand, both of us watching that little heartbeat pucker away. It was a miracle... Our miracle... God's perfect little miracle. We left our doctor's office feeling full of hope, joy, and pure happiness. Steven had to go to work, but I was so excited I decided to shop around for some "baby gifts" to surprise our families with. Within a couple hours I started feeling tired so I decided to head home.

Within three hours I was cramping so much that I was nearly in tears. I began to bleed. The nurse told me I would see some spotting after my ultrasound, and that was to be expected. But I knew this wasn't spotting, and I knew right away something was very wrong. I will spare the details that took place in the hours after that moment. Honestly, typing it is like reliving it, and that's just not something I'm willing to do. Steven had me call the after hours nurse, and she requested I come in first thing the next morning. Steven stayed positive, and I tried to as well, but deep down we both knew something wasn't right.

That same night Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors" premiered on television, and we tried to take our minds off our current situation by watching the program. I know most of you are thinking, "why is she talking about a TV show right now?" Well those of you who watched it know exactly why. For those of you that are lost right now...

Basically, the short film was about a certain time in Dolly's young childhood when her mother, Abie Lee, lost a child (Dolly's baby as she called him). He was delivered early, and he passed shortly after birth. Dolly spent nights sleeping by "her baby" at his graveside while her mother began to drift away as well. Eventually Avie Lee began to see God's light again, and she started to live again. She began stitching a coat (made from that sweet baby's blanket) for Dolly... a "coat of many colors."

Steven and I had no clue what the movie was going to be about nor did we have any idea how it would become apart of us that night. When they laid that baby in the ground in a wooden box I lost it. Steven had to pause the movie. I was crying hysterically. He told me that no matter what God is in control- No matter what. I've attached a clip of this particular scene.

CLICK HERE to watch this clip from "Coat of Many Colors"

I gained my composure, and we started the movie again. As it played on Avie Lee said something to Dolly that I will keep with me all the days of my life.

"That baby was never mine, and he was never yours. He belonged to God."

Those words are SO much easier to write than to believe. BUT that perfect and healthy little heartbeat... that perfect and healthy little miracle that was growing inside of me was never mine, and he/she was never Steven's. That perfect and healthy little miracle always belonged to Jesus. I know that... Even though I struggle with it every single day. We waited three years to see that amazing little heartbeat, and within hours it was gone. To say our hearts are broken would be an understatement, but we cannot help but think that the Lord was preparing us that night. I do not believe in coincidences, and I truly believe there was reason He led us to watch that movie on that particular night. 

In the days that have followed I have heard "It's not your fault" and "There's nothing you could have done differently" and the hardest "We have no idea or explanation as to why this happened..." All mean nothing to me. I'm empty. I feel a sense of emptiness that I've never known before. There are times I laugh and then within seconds I'm crying...happy one minute and devastated the next. I have crazy dreams of a baby crying, and I wake up in a sweat. Sleeping through the night doesn't happen for me lately...nor does it for Steven. I watch him toss and turn all through the night.

We would like to thank our family and friends for their texts, phone calls, etc. So many people have asked, "what can we do?" We ask of you only one thing. Pray for us. Pray for our marriage as Steven is getting ready to deploy, and we will be apart from each other. Healing apart from each other is not something I look forward to at all. Steven is and always has been my strong side. He has lifted me up over and over again with just his smile and his words of encouragement. Pray for his heart as well... I've never seen him so excited during the weeks he knew he was going to be a daddy. I know his heart is broken just as much as mine, and it needs healing also.

Pray that we do not stray from the word of God. I'm not going to sugar-coat it or lie and tell you that I haven't been angry with Him. We both have- deep down we know it is His plan and His perfect timing, but I will never understand His reasoning for allowing us to treasure something so precious only to have it stripped away from us. Throughout this entire journey our constant prayer is that we do not waiver from His grace and His love for us. We ask you to pray that same prayer with us.

And finally, this Christmas Eve, we ask you to pray for the babies that we have never met. Pray for the mommies & daddies around the world with empty arms tonight. Pray for the mommies & daddies that have no babies to place gifts under the tree for. Pray for mommies & daddies that long to hold their babies again or long to hear that one little miracle heartbeat just one more time.

In the months ahead there will be no transfers. We are thankful for 7 remaining embryos; however, with Steven gone we will be taking some time to heal. We are not giving up, but thinking about trying again right now is definitely not on our radar. Healing is the only thing we wish for right now. We need time to grieve for the loss of our little miracle.

Speaking of healing... I will be moving home to Alabama while Steven is away to be near my family. This is a blessing in itself. I get to come home and be with my sister, Meg, as she fights her battle against breast cancer (I should say as she continues to kick cancer's butt). With that being said, I'm sad to say that I'll be leaving some amazing friends that have become my family away from home the past 3 years. My coworkers and my boss.... There are just no words to describe how much I'll miss you all, and how grateful I am for you. I've said it before, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us to Charleston and placed me under your care. Steven and I are both so appreciative and thankful for your prayers and your love for us. It was so much more than just a job...

It may be a while before you hear from us again. I leave you with this bible verse. I read it aloud and say it to myself every single day. I hope it brings you a sense of peace in your struggle today.