Still serving a Mighty God.

Twelve days ago our one amazing and fighter of an embryo was thawed. Steven and I prayed unfailingly the days prior for this one little guy (or girl) to make it through the thaw so we could have a chance at implantation. For those of you who missed reading the two blog posts prior to this one this embryo was the lone survivor out of 24 so it in itself was a miracle. 

It made it through the thaw. My implantation was Monday, July 13th. That morning I woke up with a stomach full of knots. The procedure went smoothly (with a few hiccups because my cervix refused to participate), but after a few tries our little embryo was finally in my uterus. I laid there for 30 minutes afterwards... Steven held my hand, and he prayed for us, he prayed that our little embryo was attaching and doing what it was supposed to do. He prayed for God to give us this baby that we've been praying for unfailingly for three years now. 

Twelve days of a roller coaster of emotions came and went... worry, stress, peace, calmness, joy, doubt, you name it we felt it. Throughout this journey Steven and I have always felt different emotions than each other even though we still have some of the very same emotions. It has always been different for me as I feel them not only emotionally and mentally but physically as well. I have said before that I admire my husband and how positive he remains throughout this journey. Laying in bed the night before receiving our results he looked over at me and said, "It's going to be positive. I just know it is." Although every single ounce of me wanted to agree my heart has just been told "negative" too many times. To tell you the truth I am not sure I will ever believe a test is positive until nine months go by and I'm holding a beautiful part of God's creation in my arms. 

Yesterday morning I woke up, made the drive to our fertility center, and took one last blood draw. Three and a half agonizing hours crept by. It felt like an eternity before my phone rang. It was my doctor... "I am so sorry, but we got a negative." My body was so numb that I could not cry. It wasn't until Steven walked through our front door hours later that I shed tears. To tell you the truth I still feel numb. You hear so many successful IVF stories online, Facebook, youtube, etc. But let me be the first to tell you that there are many many more unsuccessful ones. We are not the first ones to spend thousands of dollars only to feel like it was worth nothing in the end. We are not the first to experience heartache and feel this amount of pain. Someone I know going through infertility once told me that it is very hard to hear successful "first try" IVF stories when yours has failed... I know exactly what she meant by that now. When you first think about IVF you think about lots of babies and the possibility of having twins, or lots of embryos to use for future chances, etc. because you just "assume" that it actually might work for you... until it doesn't. You start to question everything. You start to wonder if you truly are not meant to conceive your own child. Your faith gets tested really fast in those moments of despair and defeat. 

This whole process gets harder and harder the longer you're faced with it. Nothing about infertility is easy. Small things have started to take a toll on me...Those of you who know me well know that I am very good at putting a smile on face and telling the world that I am okay. I cannot scroll facebook without seeing a status complaining about their children or their babies that have been crying all the time. I cannot hear one more pregnant person talk about how miserable and uncomfortable they are or how their first trimester has been horrible because of morning sickness (even though they have every right to do so), but it literally tears my heart in two on the inside. I would give the world to be miserable, fat, and uncomfortable. I would give the world to have screaming children, or children who refuse to listen to my parenting. I would give anything to have a baby that stays up all night, refuses to take a paci, or even makes me want to pull my hair out. Give me those babies all day long. If you find yourself reading this and feel like you are one of these people it's totally fine! I get it- you need to vent, you're tired and exhausted.... but do me a favor and just hug your babies and thank Jesus for them because he or she is so much more of miracle than you could ever imagine. 

One of the hardest moments throughout this entire journey is looking at your husband and telling him how sorry you are that you cannot give him a baby. Tears fill my eyes even as I type that sentence. I want to be able to make Steven a Daddy more than anything. He puts his arms around me and tells me that it will happen some day, somehow, someway. He tells me that Jesus will give us a child- we may not understand Him or His ways, or His timing, but we trust Him and one day His timing will be perfect, and He will make us a Mommy & Daddy. God knew exactly what He was doing when he created you Steven. When I feel broken and down you remind of God's goodness, His grace, and His love for me. I love you for that.

What now? I am sure some of you are wondering what our next step is, are there other options, or even if there is a next step. Our first step is to heal. Our hearts are broken. This journey is so so hard, and healing takes time. As far as what's next for us... we hope to be able to attempt IVF again but approaching it with different medications, a different method, etc. The doctor has told us that my case is very complicated, and right now I feel as if I am more of lab rat trying to find out what method of treatment will actually work instead of feeling like this journey will have a happy ending. Right now as we take time to heal we ask you to pray for us. Pray for peace and understanding. Pray that we will find strength to keep moving forward in this journey. Pray that Jesus will provide us with a clear direction. From the beginning of this journey our one and only constant prayer has been that we will remain faithful to our Jesus no matter the outcome. Our faith has definitely been tested, and it has been hit hard... but it still remains in an amazing and Mighty God.