"The good, the bad, and the ugly"
What to say & what not to say...
When starting this blog our main purpose was to share the ups and the downs and all of the in between of infertility. If you have followed our journey through reading our blog then you know that we share the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to infertility. Prepare yourselves for a little bit of "the ugly."
Before continuing PLEASE read with a very open heart and mind. There may be several phrases you read and say to yourself, "I have said that before..." That DOES NOT mean that you need to pick up the phone right then and call your infertile friends or friends that have lost a baby and tell them that you are sorry. That is NOT the intention of this entry. This entry is simply a reference guide to those that just truly do not know what to say. Its soul purpose is to be read and taken with a grain of salt. Please do just that. This entry may also not be for everyone... these comments/actions pertain to me and some of my closest friends around me facing infertility. My sisters and I have had long discussions about some of the following instances, and I thought what a great idea to just share them with all of you.
Let's start with the "what TO say or do..." since it's not so much "the ugly."
1. "I/we are praying for you." No one... absolutely no one knows exactly what you go are going through unless they have truly walked in your shoes. One of the easiest and most meaningful things you can say to & do for someone struggling is all of 5 words. That's it, and it means the world. It IS enough.
2. "I have put your name on our prayer list at church." **depending on the person but this is always okay with us. To have people praying for Steven & I truly feels amazing. Even people I do not know nor have I ever met have contacted me telling me that they are praying for Steven and I. Again, truly enough. I love and completely believe in the power of prayer.
3. Send a text/email just reminding me that you are thinking about me & praying for me. This is such an easy way to let someone know you are thinking about them. It takes away the awkwardness of having to face each other or talk on the phone.
4. Sending something special in the mail such as a card, flowers, or just a friendly reminder of your love. This is ALWAYS okay with me! Haha... who doesn't love getting surprises in the mail? There is just something about receiving something in the mail that can turn an upsetting day into a day of joy.
5. "Do you or Steven need anything? If so, we are here for you." While Steven and I always decline this always reminds us that we have people around us who love us enough to give up what they are doing to be here for us.
6. Sending powerful stories of prayer, patience, or inspiration from those in the bible. A friend recently send me the following.... amazing. I will cherish this forever, and I will forever be reminded that the wait will be worth it one day.
Now for "the ugly" and what NOT to say and do...
1. Let's talk about success stories for a minute. Every single person going through infertility just rolled their eyes. DO NOT get me wrong! I've heard the greatest success stories of all time (one of which is my own sister). I love to hear a good ole' success story sometimes, and even I will spend hours on youtube watching videos of couples who have tried to conceive for years then get pregnant or adopt. It is so heartwarming, amazing, and a testimony of faith; HOWEVER, it is not OUR story. So while we are very excited for that family and thankful that Jesus provided them with the gift of a child... we are still over here thinking I wish that could be us. In times of doubt and raw emotions it can be very hard to hear success stories all the time. While we know that family is another couple not having to continue the struggle to have a child (which alone is amazing in every way) a very small part of me still says to myself... but that's another family who gets their precious baby & not us. Bottom line... a success story every once in a while is okay... but hearing them all the time can get a bit discouraging (although we know it was meant to be encouraging).
2. There is a phrase I say often, and a lot of my friends struggling to have a child have also taken the phrase to heart. "Know your audience." Simple as that. If you find yourself in a room with someone that you know is struggling to have a baby please think about what you are going to say before letting it roll off your tongue. I completely get that your are pregnant, and it's not the most comfortable thing in the world. You're pregnant- you can complain if you need to... just try to not say or do it as much in front of someone that would gladly take your spot in a heartbeat. Trust me when I say that I would gladly take all of your sleepless nights, heartburn, and back pain times a million if it meant that I could carry that precious miracle growing inside of you. I am not saying that you have to be silent... I am just reminding you to "know your audience." Another "debbie downer" that we hear often is, "Awe we were hoping for a boy/girl..." I always reply with, "well I hope for either one!" Come on people.... I totally get it. Before we started trying to have a baby I was ALL boys ALL the time. Now... give me trucks, bull dozers, big gigantic bows and tutus...what ever you want to give! Haha! Just be mindful and be a little more grateful when you're in front of someone who would gladly take a boy or a girl OR BOTH!
3. "Hey! There is someone donating their eggs/sperm/embryos if you want them!" Do. Not. Ever. Really? I cannot begin to tell you how many times we have heard this one before. When Steven and I began this journey we prayed about all of the different scenarios and possibilities that we might be faced with, and we decided what we would be okay with doing. Do you really think that we have not discussed such options? Unless a couple is open about their options/possibilities then you probably should not take it upon yourself to suggest getting donated eggs/sperm/embryos/anything!
4. "Why don't y'all just get a surrogate? It would still be your egg & his sperm so it'd be your baby." Steven and I decided this option was just not for us. While it is completely an option for some we could never get our mind around it. We checked this option off the list long before we started this journey.
5. "If you just relax and not think about it then it will all happen in God's timing. " This statement makes me want to punch someone in the throat. I am laughing out loud even as I type it. Yes I have met and heard people with similar situations that have gotten pregnant while on a break from fertility treatments or when they decide to take a step back and just see what happens; however, that is not the case for everyone. This statement is usually said by church friends and friends of faith. While I completely understand that you are just trying to reassure me that God is in control... please keep in mind that the first question that comes to my mind that I want to respond with is, "well...why was His timing more important for you then?" or "Look friend... I get you are trying to be nice; however, you look at your husband/wife and a baby pops out." To be honest it is usually the friends that get pregnant on their very first time off birth control or first time conceiving that this statement comes from. And it's usually just because you truly do not know what to say, and that is okay!! Like I said before a simple, "I am praying for you" is enough.
6. "Why don't you just adopt?" People who ask me this question usually have a baby on their hip that they received by looking at each other. Lol. Seriously though... every. single. couple. going through infertility faces this question, and believe it or not, I assure you that that couple has already discussed adoption. All couples are not as open with their infertility as Steven and I are which means asking whatever questions that just happen to pop into your head is not always okay. Every couple takes those questions/comments/statements to heart, and everyone responds in a different way. **I will write more on adoption in a later blog.
7. The loss of a child or having a miscarriage.... I heard the following statement so many times after my miscarriage. "Maybe there was something wrong with your baby. There was a reason." This statement makes.MY.BLOOD.BOIL. Something wrong? While I know deep down that you did not mean any harm by making this statement... it is very difficult for me to bite my tongue. Please take a moment and look at it from my perspective. I would have loved that baby whether he/she had one leg, a severe brain issue, a rare disease, whether or not he/she had down syndrome, WHATEVER the case may be... I would have given that child the life of a king or a queen. You see... there would have been nothing "wrong" with my baby... at least not in my eyes.
*****
There are many many more comments that have been said and questions that have been asked that I am sure I am forgetting, but these are the ones that continue to stick out in my mind. Again, if you find yourself saying, "Oh no... I have definitely done some of these" it is OKAY. Like I said before this blog entry is for you and others that just do not know what to say. In my heart I know that no one has meant to cause any heartbreak by their words or actions when it comes to our journey. I just wanted to take some time to open your eyes to a different perspective.
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