"Now I get it Jesus..."

Where do I begin? It has been nearly seven months since my last post, and many of you have been asking for updates. Steven and I returned to Charleston last August after a lot of traveling to & from while he was in Oklahoma for training. We had a very busy; yet, relaxing summer. It was nice to not have to be poked and prodded every two-three days, but that did not last long. It has taken me quite some time to find the words to write the next blog, and even now I still don't have them. In fact I have been writing bits and pieces of this one for months now so I guess it's finally time to share it with all of you.

After much thought and prayer Steven and I decided to give IUI one more shot despite the odds. We started the process early September with meds and more hormone injections. My doctor increased my intake on the hormone injections to 100 IU- the most I had taken so far was 75 IU. After two weeks of injections I had three very ready follicles (along with about 30 little tiny ones...which indicated my ovaries were very angry). We did the IUI on October 23rd, and then we waited and prayed.

The Friday after my IUI, October 24th, I started feeling pretty bad. Each time you put your body through this you feel bad, but this time it was different. I knew that something wasn't right. I went back into the doctor on that following Monday, and they discovered that my right ovary had hyper stimulated (the one thing I had been fearing). The ultrasound indicated that I had a good bit of fluid starting to build up. I was sent home with instructions of a strict diet and to restrain from any physical activity. I had to be careful while doing anything that involved me bending down/over which is obviously impossible when it comes to me being a PE teacher. She did not want me on bed rest due to the amount of fluid and worry of blood clots so I just had to be careful. By the middle of that week I started feeling worse. I could hardly sleep due to the amount of pain I was in. I went back to the doctor on that following Thursday to find that it had only gotten worse.

The fluid was getting worse, and my right ovary was measuring 7cm (a normal ovary measures 2cm). It was actually so large on the ultrasound that it took her quite sometime just to find my left ovary because the right one was just so enlarged. It is quite frightening to see on the ultrasound, and I was by myself for this visit as Steven gone. The doctor decided that it was time to release some of the fluid. This procedure consisted of inserting an 8-10 inch needle (lets just say the needle did not go into my stomach if you get my drift) and pumping the fluid out. I cried, and it took all I had from screaming aloud. It was, by far, the worst pain I've ever felt. The whole procedure (which lasted maybe 5 minutes) was awful. The worst part of all was that she was only able to pump out a tiny bit of fluid because she could not get to the pocket that well. All that pain... and no relief. I can sit here and try to describe how terrible it was, but nothing I write will ever be able to compare. The doctor did tell me that all of this could be a "good sign" in that in many cases such as mine they have gotten positive pregnancy results. I just kept holding onto that and praying that all of the pain would be worth it in the end. I remember getting to my car after that appointment and calling Steven... I just cried and cried. 

The two week wait was finally over... I went in for a blood test on October 9th. My emotions were all over the place. I was still in so much pain, and I continued to hold onto that hope that all of the pain was going to result in a positive test. I just knew it had to be good news. The doctor called...

"Your test is positive...But."

It is amazing how fast the news you've been waiting to hear and praying to hear for the past two years can go from amazing to heartbreaking within seconds. Sometimes I think about how long it actually took between those two words, "positive" and "but." Was it a second or even less than a second? I don't know, but what I do know is that it only took that amount of time for my heart to be completely shattered. The doctor continued to explain that my HCG numbers were very low. In a normal positive pregnancy test HCG levels would be between 5-426mIU/ml at the 4week stage. Mine was a 12... which can mean that there may be complications. The doctor encouraged me to stay "optimistically positive" just as she was, but I knew from that moment that it was not good news. I knew by the sound of her voice. I knew by the way my heart sank, and I knew in my gut that come Monday morning I would hear the words I would dread. The rest of our conversation was a blur as all I could concentrate on was that word "...but."

Steven was so positive. Every time he opened his mouth it was nothing but words of encouragement. He was so hopeful that my numbers would double which didn't surprise me at all considering he's been my strong-side throughout this journey. Deep down I think he also knew that our odds were not good though, and I knew he was hurting just as much as I was.

In a normal pregnancy HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours. By Monday morning my blood test indicated that mine was only an 18. This meant I was miscarrying. We scheduled a D&C (dilatation and curettage) for the following Thursday, October 16th to remove the pregnancy cells. 

While we waited for lab results... the following weekend was my best friends wedding activities (showers, tea, etc). I was determined to go despite the fact the doctor's orders were to "take it easy." I thought, "what's the worst that could happen?" Steven was against the trip, but I believe my exact words were, "I'm going with or without you." So we went, and I made it through one fun shower before ending up in the emergency room in Alabama the next day with severe pain and cramping. Needless to say there were a lot of "I told you so" looks that definitely wanted to be expressed after.

 

After the procedure lab results indicated that there were no pregnancy cells found in my uterus (which is not the news we wanted to hear). This meant that the pregnancy was growing elsewhere outside of the uterus. We just wanted to get the D&C over with and be done with it; however, because the pregnancy cells were still growing slowly elsewhere we had to take a different approach. I then had to take injections of a drug called Methotrexate (this is actually a chemotherapeutic drug used to treat cancer patients). In my case (Tess terms), it is used to kill any unwanted cells or cells that should not be in the body. Our hope was that we would only have to have one round of this drug; however, by the end of October I starting my second round. I had to have blood tests every two days to "hopefully" see a decrease in HCG levels (meaning my body was finally passing it). My final blood test at the beginning of November indicated that my levels were decreasing, and my body was finally passing it. I know a lot of this is just all gibberish to most people... trust me when I say that even I get confused by all the medical terms and reasoning behind all of it. There are still things I do not understand.

Understanding and reasons

Beginning the last round Steven and I prayed unfailingly for God to either give us a sign that we were moving in the right direction or that He would provide us with a baby. He provided both... just not in the way we had hoped for. Every doctor's appointment, every time I struggled to move, every time I struggled to breath, every second I was in pain, every single moment... we prayed. Our walk with Christ is and has become stronger than we'd ever imagine. Our we perfect? Lord no! I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have completely lost my mind. Going through this journey can definitely takes its toll on your marriage. I would be lying to you if I told you that the weeks after my final blood test were all wonderful. There were moments that I felt like giving up, and there were moments where I felt okay. It is a very difficult and painful to go from praying for a baby then to praying that your body will pass it... I have no words for it... even now as I type I have no way of explaining what those emotions are like.

There were times I felt like I could not pray so Steven prayed for both of us. I was angry. I didn't understand why God would allow all of that pain then to receive the news you've been praying for all this time and then to have it stripped away within seconds. I just didn't understand. Steven kept telling  me that God has His reasons... But I was done with "His reasons." For those of you who know me best know that I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Well... This time I did not believe that. I believe that's what I struggled with most in the weeks after...I needed a reason. I couldn't go to work because it made me angry to see these sweet & innocent babies get into cars to go home to families that could care less about them. I couldn't stand to see the mom that had 4 kids towing behind her with another on her hip but looks as if she couldn't pay for one meal. I hated feeling the way I did- I've never let anger fill me throughout this journey; however, when you're walking around carrying what you'd prayed to be a baby but never had the chance to hear a single heartbeat or see him/her on an ultrasound and waiting/hoping/praying that you're body will pass it so you don't have to explain to people that you are pregnant but not really.... Anger comes very very easy. 

It wasn't until I was speaking with one of my best friends from back home when that anger and questioning started to subside. Ashley, who has always been someone that can make me talk even when I don't want to (much like the rest of the Sheltie crew), and I were talking on the phone. I remember expressing how I just didn't understand & how much I wish there was a reason. I'll never forget the words she said to me after that. "Maybe the reason is not for you. Maybe it's for the people around you. We've all changed knowing your story." It was one of those "Jesus moments" where you just say silently to yourself, "Okay Jesus I get it now." 

The next morning I remember waking up and smiling for the first time in weeks. Then, now, and for all the days to come I will be reminded of those words..."maybe the reason is not for me." None of this is about me. It's about Jesus- it's all about Him. He does have His reasons... I may never know them or understand them, but I know that He does and that's really all that matters. I know that if I can go through a journey such as this and come out loving Him unconditionally on the other side then others can do the same. He never left me, and all the time He was placing people in my life to get me through it. 

God chooses them to carry you...

For the Sheltie crew... These girls have known every hurt, every obstacle, and every sense of anger I've felt. They've felt every emotion with me, and they've all cried the same tears with me. When I didn't want to share with them or when texts became silent they were there asking questions, sending texts, making phone calls & leaving messages, sending flowers, quoting God's word, and encouraging me to never give up. There will never be enough words to show you all of my gratitude so I simply say, "thank you." Thank you for loving me enough to help bring me through this bump in the road. None of these ladies have experienced fully what I'm going through, and I pray to God they never have to, but I hope each of them know that there will never be a bump in their road that they will have to go through alone. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. 

Family and amazing friends... you know who you are... There have been late night phone calls, cards sent with encouraging words, tears shed, and unfailing prayer. There are some of you that have graciously donated money that could've easily been used elsewhere to our next step which is IVF (a future blog coming soon). There are some of you that put cash in our pockets over Christmas to go towards IVF... I want you to know that every single penny has been prayed over and will go to the hope that we get a chance to become a Mommy & a Daddy one day. Thank you all for just being apart of our journey, sharing our story, praying constantly, and loving us. 

Matilda Dunston family... I never imagined the love and friendship you all have bestowed upon me. I've been fortunate to have a principal that works with me around every single doctor's appointment. She and my faculty friends have prayed for Steven and I, they have given goodie bags to make me feel a sense of joy, they have been shoulders to cry on, and they have embraced me with more hugs than I could have ever hoped for. God definitely know what He was doing when he stationed Steven in Charleston. He knew all along that I would find myself amongst this amazing group of friends.

Speaking off CHS... I have met some amazing women here. Some are AF wives while some are not, and they all have a very special place in my heart. I hope you all know that I am so grateful for each of you. While Steven is gone on trips these women step up and fill such a void. They have offered to tag along to doctor's appointments, they have brought meals over, and some of them have just come over to chat during some of my darkest moments. Some of you (Deirdre & Kristen- LOL) come over uninvited just to make sure I have those moments of laughter and joy because you know me all too well... Thank you SO much.

My heart's plea...

I never heard a heartbeat. I never saw a baby on an ultrasound. I never got to hear the whole, "congrats! You're going to have a baby" nor did I get to share with anyone the excitement of "hearing the news." ...but for just a short time I WAS a Mommy, and I know that one day I will feel that way again. Tonight as you lay down to go to sleep please pray for Moms that have never heard heartbeats, ones that have never had the chance to hold their babies, ones that have held their babies and lost them, and ones that long to have that feeling of being a Mommy again. 

Pray for the babies that are lost and without homes. Pray for the orphans all around this world that live everyday wondering if he/she will ever have the chance to call someone Mom or Dad. Pray for the families that are in continuous prayer to adopt these children. Pray for the waiting families all across the world that are praying that one day that teenage girl that is contemplating abortion chooses them to raise her baby and give that sweet baby a chance at life. Pray, and pray continuously please.

Future blogs to be on the lookout for...
"Do's and don'ts of infertility: what to say and what not to say?"
"IVF"
"Waiting babies & waiting families"