We will remain faithful...

"She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." -Proverbs 31:25

This was painted on a piece of wood sitting at my doorstep the day I find out that round two did not work. The pregnancy test was negative. 

Round Two: the ups & downs.

I started taking Letrozole at the beginning of February. This is an oral medication much like Clomid. After finishing the Letrozole I started round two of injections- this time Gonal-f injections. After 14 days of injections (and going into the doctor's office every two days for ultrasounds) we concluded that the medicine was, once again, not working. My follicles were not responding and not growing. My nurse and doctor sat down to discuss whether or not we should try a "Hail Mary" and up the dosage over the weekend just to see what happens. This was the point where they decided to cancel my cycle during round one. I did not want to cancel again. There is just a sense of pure heartache when you go through all of the injections, taking the medicines, and the every other 2 day doctor's visits that take their toll. Canceling the cycle makes you feel as if it were all for nothing. Even though this "Hail Mary" was a gamble I wanted to try it. This was Friday, February 28th, and I received a call that afternoon from Doctor S. She told me that we were going to go ahead and try upping the dosage in the Gonal-f injections. She also informed me that if this did not work (if the follicles still do not respond to the higher dosage) that we would need to talk about moving on to IVF. My heart broke into a million pieces at that point. 

I was able to facetime Steven.... I just cried. At this point IVF is not an option for Steven and I due to the high cost of it. It would take a lot of saving up, and even then I am not sure if/when we would be completely okay with it. We are talking anywhere from $15,000-$25,000 depending on the "package" you choose. Crazy I know.... we'll save that conversation for a different blog. Steven just listened. He reminded me that a miracle could happen over the weekend and that we just have to trust God and His plan for us. 

I returned to the doctor on Monday, March 3rd. My ultrasound tech had been out on vacation leave so it was my first time seeing her in a couple weeks. We talked about how this was the "all or nothing" ultrasound. We prayed, and then we watched the screen as my ovaries appeared... there it was. One BIG follicle. There was just one, but one was all I needed. A miracle did happen. The medicine finally worked! Tears ran down my face as I watched the screen. This meant that IUI was still an option for us- I just needed larger doses in the Gonal-f injections. My HCG trigger shot (this is the shot I take in order to make myself ovulate) was mixed, and I took it the next night. I went in for my IUI procedure on Thursday, March 6th. 

Let's talk about the most awkward 45 minutes of my life! The IUI procedure does not hurt at all- you literally don't feel a thing. I guess I was expecting to feel the little ones starting the swim race, but I definitely did not. Lol. The nurse had me confirm Steven's name on the frozen sperm (whew... thank goodness- that would be one heck of a surprise). The doctor informed me that normal sperm count after thawing was around 20 million. They injected 43 million (way to go honey) swimmers into me (at this point you're probably like me in saying, "43 million? Surely one of those guys is a good swimmer!"). After the procedure I had to lay on my back for 20 minutes... I facetimed Steven during this time. Our conversation consisted of something like this..."So whatcha doing?" "Oh you know, I am just laying here trying to make a baby." 

The DREADFUL two week wait

The two week wait after the IUI procedure is by far the longest two weeks I've ever gone through. I am pretty sure I went completely and absolutely crazy during the two week period. They recommend not taking home pregnancy tests for the reason that the HCG shot can give you a false positive or false negative result. Well now I know why they do not recommend doing such a thing. It does exactly that, and that will make you go completely insane! So if you happen to be in your two week waiting period take my advice and STAY AWAY from the home pregnancy tests. 

There will never be enough words to describe the feeling you have on the day you are waiting to hear good/bad news. I made myself sick the morning of Thursday, March 20th. My stomach was in knots turning and turning becoming even more tangled. Five hours went before I received a phone call from my doctor. "I'm calling with bad news. It didn't work this time." It's hard because you try to prepare yourself for bad news, but honestly nothing can really prepare you... because at the end of the day you just hope and pray that some way it actually DID work. I was at school that Thursday so I had to hold it together until after my last class. I couldn't talk with Steven right off... but when I did get to talk to him there was a hurt in his voice. I remember him saying that morning on my way to the doctor to give blood... "I really think it's going to be positive!" I called my friend, Ashley, back home. I just cried. She kept saying, "I don't know what to say" but I didn't need her to say anything. We both knew that though. I just needed to cry, and I needed her to just listen. That's all. And sometimes that is exactly what you need in order to move on to the next day. 

Emotions

It is so hard to explain your emotions throughout this process. While everyone around you is saying, "Oh, it's gonna be positive" or "I just know you are going to get good news" you secretly withdraw from that because you know that it may actually not work. The whole process just takes an emotional toll on you. Those of you going through the same thing know exactly what I am talking about. 

I was facetiming with Steven as I pulled in the drive. There was something at my doorstep. I came inside, opened it, and here it came... my breakdown. I just cried as I read the words. I knew the words were true, and reading it gave me so much hope to carry on. I am so thankful for friends that I have here. I knew there was reason I had met such amazing people here, but honestly, it wasn't until that moment that I realized just why exactly. God places people in your life that will help overcome your biggest obstacles, and I am just so blessed that He sent these Air Force girls my way. Thank you to all of you, but especially to Deirdre & Sara for creating a sign that I will carry with me no matter where I go. 

Now on to round three for us. During the next few weeks please pray that Steven and I will remain strong and faithful in our Jesus. Pray that while Steven is nearly 7,000 miles away from me that he continues to trust Jesus. Please pray for my heart as it can feel broken at times. Please pray that Steven and I will continue to share our heart with each other as it can get difficult to close it off being so far away. We know He has a plan for us, and His plan is not always that of our own. 

We praise you Lord, and we will remain faithful always.